i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
