She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I touched a dick in church today
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
