I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize