Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize