I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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