So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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