so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
