His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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