Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize