I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
