I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
