My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
