I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
