his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize