I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
