I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
