He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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