puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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