Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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