some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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