Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
