She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
