please come you make the beer taste better
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
