I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
