Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
