i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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