Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
