If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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