Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
