I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize