omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
