so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
