I'm eating all of the evidence.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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