Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
