So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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