I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
