I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
