it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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