I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
