Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
