3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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