When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize