Is it normal to miss your booty call?
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
