We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
