Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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