Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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