how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
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