i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
