On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
