somebody snuck up and got me drunk
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
ttyl tear gas
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
