When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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