she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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