Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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