i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
