dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize