8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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