I'm lost and stupid without you.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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