Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
