if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
