but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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