I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
