I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
