There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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