I wish my penis had an off switch
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
