I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
