Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
