His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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