I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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