i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
